The will is an intense thing.
Not the kind you write and leave in a safe place for those who need to read it.
No
This will is the one created inside us.
You know
The will to live
to keep going
to be strong
to pay attention
to seek after God
to obey
to be joy filled

It’s Choosing.

I headed for home! I kept going. It was just over a week ago.

You are going to turn around

It wasn’t far. Just about 15 minutes. I walk fast. I like to walk.

you might as well turn around

It was one of those spring days when you wonder if you flipped the calendar to the new month just a few days early. Before it was time.
It was cold. Too cold for the beginning of April. In my opinion. Not just my opinion. The weather man said so.

You need to head the other direction

My usually quick step slowed considerably. Then, right in the middle of the sidewalk I stopped.
I knew it would happen.
As soon as the words were out of my mouth and I turned on my heal and left the store I knew I would go back.
I would have saved myself a few extra minutes of discomfort in the cold wind if I had just done it right away.
Or, better still if I had resisted the urge to open my mouth at all.
I tried to ignore the voice. The one I hear every time I say something I know I shouldn’t.
Truthfully
I knew it as they were forming in my heart and rushing to my mouth and then tumbling out.
That I should just keep my lips shut tight.
But I didn’t, Keep my lips shut tight.
I have a strong will.
Seems it’s been that way pretty much since the day I was born.
That will to keep going, to be strong, to seek after God (etc.) is the heart and soul of who I am.
He made me that way, God did.
He also provided a guide for me to live by.
He said He would always be with me and would make my path straight if I would trust in Him.
He said that if I wanted to love life and see good days I would need to keep my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking deceit.
He said that the words I speak are clear evidence of what’s in my heart.

A salt pond cannot yield fresh water.

okay (clenched teeth)
I’ll go back.
I knew I would. Go back that is.
I did
It would have been much better (for me) if I had spoken harshly to just one person.
Less people for me to track down. Perhaps a bit less humbling.
But no
that tongue had unfurled itself and touched the lives, on that Saturday morning, of no less than five people. shocking.
I mean
why put a brand new girl, fresh from a different department, at a station all by herself, where she would need to efficiently serve customers (me) who may have other things to do that day?
And why install an extremely rude young man in the position of manager of that department? when customers (myself) became frustrated with the above mentioned girl and suggested maybe (most certainly) she would want to find some training before the day added many more minutes, this young man would say in a rather superior tone, “ok”.
I mean, really.
Of course, the natural (you may even agree that it was understandable) response from the customer (yes, once again me) was to point my finger and instruct him not to be rude and then head to the department next door. There, other purchases were being wrapped for me and I made sure the two men present understood fully my frustration.
My husband came on the scene and I began at the beginning, pouring out the whole unfortunate and disheartening story. Even as I was (in a rather dramatic way) explaining it all to him, I knew,
fully,
clearly,
that I was wrong.
I turned on my heal (as you may remember I mentioned near the beginning of this confession) and began my 15 minute walk in the cold.

So, now I found myself in an all too familiar spot.
That of asking humbly for forgiveness.
First the young lady who was as sweet as can be and thanked me for being so kind (good grief).
Next, the two in the other department. I explained that I am a follower of Jesus and my behavior was not a true representation of who He is. Yes, they seemed a bit confused but I will let the one who created them look after the understanding part.
From there, the sales guy, (his name was Michael) went to the back room to find the first one (his name was Mike) who I had pointed my finger at. He came through the door with a look of caution, of course wondering what I could possibly want from him now.
Bracing himself for what I might have to say.

Each of these were kind and seemed to accept my apology.
They were rather perplexed but that was not my concern.
My assignment was to repent of my wrong doing.

The 15 minute walk home was cold, windy and full of repentance to the one who created in me that strong will.

He forgave me.
I know that because He told me if I confess my sin He will generously, faithfully forgive me.
I will remember that day as yet another learning opportunity. I trust that although I am forgiven, the memory will be a strong aid in keeping my tongue still and my lips closed.
Not just that.
Because God is faithful to save and forgive and remind and love and show kindness, I trust that He will nudge me a little harder when I need nudging. That He will bring to remembrance what I know is true.

If He can love me then surely I can love people. If He was willing to die for me and every soul He created, then I think it is not too much for me to show kindness.

After all, I am a sinner (quite obviously) saved by amazing grace.