Today I went to the beach.  Not with a bathing suit.  Not even with the proper footwear.  I wore a jacket and the air was brisk.  The leaves are mostly down and they were crunching under foot.  It was beautiful and when I breathed in the Pacific air, my heart filled with joy.  I won’t be telling Nano about it.  She’s gone now.

♥♥♥♥

Long ago and far away in a little bedroom in a little house in a little town in a very big land filled with rolling hills and golden sweeping wheat

there was a plaque on the wall.  It was made of inexpensive wood and it hung across from the foot of the bed.  There was a little girl who slept in that bed and every morning when she opened her eyes and every evening before she closed her eyes

she looked at the simple words engraved on the piece of wood.  They went like this.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  (Rom. 8:28)

They were and are from the Bible and after John 3:16,  were my first to memorize.  They became imbedded, deep.

Just thirty two hours ago we said the final goodbyes to our precious one.  There were indefinite farewells to dear ones we may not see again for a  while.   God chose Them for Nano and her for Them.  They blessed her and she blessed them and they were all blessed and became more, because God decided it would be good.  They became dear to me when they became dear to her.  The ones she loved, I loved.  She shared her life with them.  They embraced her as their own.  They weren’t blood.  It didn’t matter.  They came yesterday and they cried along with us.  Their hearts hurt  and they will miss her too.

Only God knows the number of our days and in the months of this past summer, her folk from south took turns visiting Nano and they may have wondered but did not know when her life here would stop.  She loved visiting with them and now that she is gone I think the visits were not so much about the pleasure they would bring to Nano but more about the remembering these non blood loved ones would tuck away and savour,

after.  And God worked these things together for good.

We, her children and some other loved ones, carried her, in the sweet maple box, to her final stop.

 It was hard and we will remember it and it was one of the things that God worked out,

for our good.

The field was dotted with stones.  There were names and loving words engraved on the stones and we stepped over them to get to the spot where our own stone lay.  There is a name already engraved

Chesley Douglas House

and an empty space where Nano’s name will be engraved.

Lena Isabel House

The small group gathered around and there were beautiful orange roses and we read words from God’s Word and then we sang

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow.  Praise Him All Creatures Here Below.  Praise Him Above Ye Heavenly Hosts.  Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

It’s called the Doxology.  It’s called Praise.  

 

We, Nano’s little ones went our separate ways and wonder when next we will meet.

She was not only loved

She was the glue., that held us together.

We knew it.  She was the reason, the elastic, the magnet.  Gathering, after this, will be different.  The purpose nevertheless, will still be for good.

Thanksgiving Day, just nine and yet a lifetime ago, she slipped away from us.  The first good bye.  Four days later was the second.  It was beautiful, unreal, impossible.   Loved people came from far and further.  We wept together and remembered.  God worked it for good, that we were there when He took her.   We know that she is where He wants her to be.  He provided a space at a beautiful hospital and then at a remarkable hospice.  We are thankful that He took her home on Thanksgiving day and that He put His stamp on birthday number 94 as the day her body would be returned to the earth.  We could not have planned it that way.  He arranged it, all.  She was called according to His purpose.  Her life was hard and we worried and she worried and we were afraid maybe He wasn’t hearing us when we asked Him to take care of her

and us.

He blessed us and He kept us.  His face shone upon us and He has most certainly been gracious to us

and her.

I feel like worrying

about life and it won’t be hard for me to forget how good He has been and I will soon wonder about being called according to His purpose.

He is forgetful about my forgetfulness and just keeps showing me that it wasn’t a joke when He said He would work things out as He sees best and it’s sure to be for my good. The only thing I need to do is love Him.  That’s not hard.

In the few weeks that I sat next to Nano’s bed, there was a theme she seemed to focus on.  The things she loved were on the edge of her memory so that when her brain started to shut down,  those things grew large.

“You should go home,” she said.  “No” I said.  “what about your stuff?” she said.  “well I have a box coming” I said.  “oh” she said.   Then a few minutes later.

“But when your material arrives you won’t have a sewing machine” she said.  Without a pause I said, “oh don’t worry mom, your sewing machine is at Jan’s.  I will use that”.  She said, “oooooh, good.”   Then a few minutes later, “I have an idea” she said.  “what is that?” I said.  “I think you should come here in the mornings and then in the afternoon you should go back to Jan’s and sew”  she said.  “I think that is a good idea mom” I said.  And that was settled.  She went to sleep.  The sitting next to her for the weeks that I sat, meant no time for sewing.

Just the next day, it was morning.  My niece’s husband, went to help Nano eat her breakfast.  Yes, Nano’s last weeks were full of loved ones doing loving things and the reward will be precious memories.

Nano suggested that Ryan look in “that room” which happened to be the bathroom.  She was anxious for him to find the material that she had set aside for me,

for aprons.  There were no stray pieces of material there, yet her wish, her hope, her request, was that I would sew.   I will.  There will be aprons, for Christmas and other times and as planned before this past month began to unfurl, like a sail taking us to a strange  and other worldly place, there will be a brunch and people will come for apron gifts.  I sew and it’s good and the joy Nano gained in her last months, because her littlest little one was sewing aprons,

was Big.

My soul is full of knowing that All things work together for good.  Not because of me.  Because He is good.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:  

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

This season, for me, is the mourning one.  Oh, it won’t last forever.  My toes are already beginning to tap to the beat of the beautiful song about Victory in Jesus

I heard about a mansion
He has built for me in glory.
And I heard about the streets of gold
Beyond the crystal sea;
About the angels singing,
And the old redemption story,
And some sweet day I’ll sing up there
The song of victory.

Now though, I’m doing some weeping and remembering.  Nano was my biggest fan.   Not sure when it happened but somewhere on the journey she stopped being Just Mom and started being, Friend.  It’s a bit of a shock to my heart that I cannot ever pick up the phone and hear my mama’s voice again.   Rather terrifying how the sound of it is already starting to fade.   I wonder who will remind me of important stuff like how to cook her recipes and I wish I had asked her a few more questions about what it was like to be a stranger in a foreign farm land, with a new roll of preacher’s wife and

dear me

what will we do without the glue to hold us together?

It’s good that God knows I’m going to struggle with this and He doesn’t want me to struggle alone.  Good that He’s the best potter and even though my heart has lost some pieces, He will put it back together

in His time and according to His purposes.

While He’s working it all out, in me, I’m trying not to hold my breath.  He’s taking my chin in his gentle hands and whispering

Come to me.  You are weary and burdened.  I am going to give you rest.

It’s been a whole lot of Big, over here in the West.

He is working for good, all things.  I love Him and like an umbrella over me on a day filled with rain, His purposes will be my protection.  Many of my friends have suffered and continue to suffer great pain.  The loss of a mother who is now Home, is small compared to the Big that many of you have endured.   For all of us, His banner is Love and his grace is enough.

I’m loving Him and He is working it all out.