Well it’s Fall now, officially as of the early hours of today.  We’re breathing in air that’s just a bit cooler and it smells different.

Tomatoes in jars on shelves in the basement and apples ready for picking.

The Seasons

a fact of life for Canadians and an unknown for a whole lot of the World.  I’m looking at the first day of Fall from the West this year.  Usually I see it from the other side of the prairies, East.   I’m missing the reds beginning to happen and my favourite, walk in an apple orchard.  Just about any apple orchard will do.

Even so,  most places in this country

Fall, Autumn, has a smell about it. A mix of cool air, damp earth, dried leaves, something else on the breeze.  Not sure, but it’s worth taking a big deep breath.  The little courtyard just down the hall and out the door has Fall all over it.  Beautiful, dried leaves and sweet smelling.   Autumn.

Over here, on the little mirrored table next to the window I’m looking at a vase full of yellow and purple and red and a week ago they were fresh and smiling.  Today, as though they are tired and find the water hard to drink, their heads are drooping and It’s time for them to go.  I think I’ll take a drive down the street, maybe tomorrow and pick up some fresh ones.  Flowers.

I’m writing and She’s sleeping.  Right over there on the bed in a red wrapped bundle her body is still, except for a slow, steady rise and fall as she takes one breath after another.  Ever so slight.  Sometimes I creep over and stand close

lean down to listen and watch.  Just to be sure.

I think it isn’t time yet, for her to go and she may perk back up

a bit.

A hospital visit, a recovery, a slow climb out of the dark hole of sickness and we are always happy to see her smile and laugh and we nod our heads at her wit and charm.

Not So Fast, this time.

We have learned to wait and watch and never say

it’s over.  No doubt, her days are numbered by someone other than us.  We aren’t sure why He hasn’t brought them to an end.  Aren’t sure why He watches over her lovingly and perfectly and continues to say

“Not Yet my Beautiful Girl.  Not yet”

She struggles and suffers and weeps and prays under her breath and I can hear the barely audible words

“Dear Father, do a work in my body” and

“Lord, what is happening to me?”

Just like the flowers here, she doesn’t want to drink.  Doesn’t feel like it and then I remind her that a body needs water to live.  Needs water to breath and walk and she takes a sip.

Sitting, with her in her wheelchair and me across the table, in the little dining room set aside for these dear ones who are hosting special guests, it’s tough.  One or another, pushing a walker slowly through the room, stops to reach out an arthritic hand to grasp her arm and lean in as close as one can lean when stiffness sets in and pain is constant.

They whisper words of encouragement and there am I trying to maintain composure.  These people, each loved by God and many not knowing it, make up the cheerleading squad for this girl, loved by me and mine.  I want to smile and nod and sometimes manage it but so often I feel the burning behind my eyeballs, the blurring and my heart breaks for the suffering and uncertainty of this one, mine.

I took a picture and saw the reflection of this loved mother.  I also thought about a verse I know well.  She is a poor reflection at the moment, of who she once was, yet she is still who God made her to be.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Cor. 13:12)  

 This story isn’t about me.  It isn’t about being a good daughter.  It isn’t about doing the right thing.  This one is about the lives lived and continuing to live

hard and slow.

I’m watching and can’t help but remember the past.  She taught us to respect.  They both did.  Nano and Papa!  They taught us to love.  They taught us to care.  They taught us to believe God and even when we think life isn’t right or fair and we want it different, They said that God says

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deut. 31:8)

We learned and we continue to learn.  We believe and continue to believe and even though we don’t understand, we don’t need to.  He does!

So, it’s Fall, here and everywhere on this continent.  All kinds of things and creatures are dying , falling asleep and I’m glad I know that He doesn’t ever leave us.  He has a plan and I’m doing my best not to question it.

She is waking now and we will find a chair with wheels and put her in it to go and dine.  She won’t eat but a few bites and I will give her sips of water.