“But are you sure?”  I asked.

Her smile was kind, encouraging.  “Yes, I’m sure.  I will be fine.”

I hugged her and said “but I don’t want to leave you.  Won’t you be lonely?”

She continued to smile and said “I won’t be lonely.  you go and have fun.”

I somehow got to the car safely, even as I walked forward while looking backward to watch her face for a sign that I was needed.

I was nine and it was 1968.  I remember it vividly and she likely doesn’t remember it at all. Every once in a while my dad would take me on a date to the arena in the next town.  It was a tin building suitable for hanging slabs of beef and not for it’s actual use of seating several hundred fans of the local hockey team.  It was 9 miles away and I loved to go despite the -30 temps and the inevitable, painfully cold feet I would endure in the unheated arena.  Such fun, running around while the game was being played, eating the hamburger and cheering on the “good guys.”  The only shadow over the evening was the concern I felt at leaving Nano home alone.  The thought of her sitting in that living room without us, broke my heart.  Even then I hated leaving her.

There were sleepover invitations and I liked the thought of playing and then sleeping at a friend’s house.  But mostly, not always but mostly, I either needed to go home, or I cried myself to sleep at the thought of my parents at home, sitting together, missing me and me missing them.  Childish, unwarranted fears and even then I hated leaving them.

It was that tug of war,  home and family on one end, friends and adventure on the other.

Leaving has always been my heartbreak and wouldn’t you know it, leaving is what I’ve done much of, it seems.

We have never lived near Blood.  Those years, the ones way back, it was just us.

Five.

I sometimes talk to people who say they aren’t speaking to their relatives.

Blood.

Somebody did something.  Somebody said something.  Somebody missed something,

didn’t send a card

sent the wrong card

didn’t come for dinner

stayed too long after dinner

and I know I’m not to judge.  Bad things happen, sin lives here and people do what they shouldn’t.

Ponder what God says.  It’s what we were created to do.

Live by them.  God’s words.

Don’t tear down bridges and build up walls.

There’s been fighting forever, really.  It’s a shame.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.  (Romans 12:18)

It’s been about 38 years since we five lived under the same roof.  Since then we have lived far,  apart and

Even so,

Sometimes my brother annoys me, my sister irritates me, my mother nags me and even from here, across the country, one or the other does something, says something that initiates eye rolling.

Years come and go

I’ve just left my mother, in a little room in a lovely place, in an Alberta city.  She has precious ones  all around

I’m not one of them.  Well, I’m not close but a piece of my heart sits next to her, wherever that is.  Some of you have mothers somewhere other than at arms length and some are gone.

“at least you still have your mother”  you say.  “At least your mother still knows you” and it’s true.

I’m not there and it feels like my heart is being wrung when I say good bye and I remember those nights way back, almost as if God was getting me ready for the Real ‘see you laters’.   Now that she’s in her 94th year and

who knows, really…

Well, who knows, really…about anything?  Not one of us knows what’s next,  or how long until Next arrives.

What a gift God has given us, in words.  They can be used for good, or not.  I read something today and the words were put together by C.S. Lewis.  They went like this.

“Never, in peace or war, commit your virtue or your happiness to the future. Happy work is best done by the man who takes his long-term plans somewhat lightly and works from moment to moment ‘as to the Lord.’ It is only our daily bread that we are encouraged to ask for. The present is the only time in which any duty can be done or any grace received.” —from The Weight of Glory  

I Like it.

Today,

is what matters.  If I’m worried about what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow, before I know it I’ll be old and all of my todays will be gone.

Through the years I have heard Nano say on numerous occasions that it would be so terrible to have a fighting family.  How sad she would be if her loved ones did not get along.  If they should choose to hold grudges.  That, as far as her thinking goes, would be a terrible sort of pain and so useless.  How heartbreaking it would be to dishonour our parents and to disregard what we’ve been taught.  Family and loved ones and friends should be kind to one another.  Sounds familiar!

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.. Eph. 4:32 

My son reminded me a while back of how small the forgiveness is that we might offer compared to the forgiveness that has been offered to us

by God

and although I feel like making excuses it warms my heart as it would my parents hearts, that understanding has been passed along to another generation.   He knows how words can hurt.  I’ve put some together over the years, that have cut him.  My purpose was for good, the outcome was not.  This boy knows the value of forgiveness.  He’s experienced the rewards, the blessing of being forgiven and offering forgiveness.

As Papa often reminded us,

“keep short accounts.”

If there was a problem we fixed it.  If there was sin that needed correcting, it was corrected. If there was hurt borne,  we loved each other and in loving one another we  forgave, even if we didn’t feel like it.  Forgiving was an action of the mind as much as it was of the heart and before I knew it, the forgiveness was heartfelt.

We did it.  We learned to turn the other cheek because it was right and it Is right.  Retaliation made it all so much worse.   We learned to recognize the pain in it.  Not just  with family, but people, souls, walking around on the sidewalks and in the hallways where we walked.

It’s called empathy and it’s good.

Sure I have scars.  Sure my heart weeps when I think of painful and even unfair.  I’ll tell you though,

pain can bring a lot of good.  We like to protect our children from pain.  We shouldn’t. Sadly, pain builds character.  It wasn’t supposed to be that way but it is, in a broken world.

The point.  What’s past is just that and what’s ahead is not known and won’t be known until we get there.  No eye can see around the bend and down the path.

Along with the good ingrained in me there is, not so good.  Worry is Not.

Reading about lives lived by people who have my same inhibitions is like fresh water, a gentle breeze.  Sharing ourselves is good.  I’ll share with you and you share with me and we will encourage and even, when necessary, admonish.    We won’t be angry or crushed because we know it’s good to brush up against thorns every now and again.  Cuts and bruises send us to the one who is best at soothing, healing.

Let’s talk about hard and pain and sweet and laughter and lets be joy filled.

Joy is like a muscle.  The more I exercise it the stronger it gets.

Father’s day is just around the corner.  Mine, my father that is, went Home just over 27 years ago.  He’s there fully and wholly.  When I think of him I think of her.  Nano.  He’s gone and she isn’t and she knows it, every. single. day.  They were together like doesn’t often happen in a lifetime.  Devoted, loving, sharing, modeling, teaching and not always happy but always looking at the only one who gives true joy and even happiness amidst the tribulation of every day.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. C.S. Lewis