Losing nerve, doubting, fearing, wondering, are part of life.
My life.
Yours Too?
It was after church today when I was racing through the foyer. I stopped to say hi to a lady I have never spoken to. Oh she isn’t new. She’s been around for a long time. “You always look so happy” she said to me. I smiled, chatted for a minute or two. Bless her heart. She got me to thinking. I am thankful that she sees Happy when I pass by. What she doesn’t know is, lots of times I am not happy. She likely does know that. I mean who’s happy “always”? This week was one of those for me. Can’t explain it. No good reason except that I had to remind myself a few times that life is good, God is gracious, blessing takes different forms on different days, but it’s there. Think about it. Count the ways.
I went to Deuteronomy 31:8
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.
That’s blessing if ever there has been.
It came to me again that I far too often ponder things I will never figure out. I am thankful tonight that even in the hours when I have lost my nerve, He still goes before me. It isn’t His way, to turn His back when the cloud rolls in. Strangely, that cloud settles sometimes when you would think there is just no good reason. That’s life. Can’t always be explained.
This week was full of people for me. I hide myself in people. Laughter, sharing, praying even. Oh and tables. They go together, people and tables. These past few days have been filled with both. Different sizes and shapes. Even as I felt my nerve slipping away, the doubt settling in, I found myself sitting across the table from people. All friends. Some have been that for a very long time and some for not so long. Several of those ‘around the table’ times turned into three hour visits. Nano has been known to say that once you get people sitting at the table you should not disrupt what’s been created, conversation, community, by suggesting “we should go and sit on more comfortable chairs. Let’s move to the living/sitting/family room.” No way. Once at the table, stay there. When you’re looking for dining room or even kitchen furniture give much attention to the chairs you will sit on around the table. Sit, eat, visit, laugh, cry, share life and stay put. Relax and be comfortable but don’t think it would be better if you sat on a different chair. Hospitality around a table cannot be recreated if it is interrupted. I promise. Even when my little ones were very little we most often sat around the table. It’s the same even now.
Sometimes I ignore for a minute what I know is true. People can’t fill the empty place in my heart that was created for God.
As my nerve ebbed away this week I found myself searching. When darkness seems to fill the place where joy should be I remember whose I am. You see, He is my light. He is my salvation. I don’t need to be afraid.
You don’t either.
Everything seems pretty big sometimes. You too? Believe me, God knows. He made an empty spot in my heart that nothing can fill. Except Him. I don’t ever really forget that. I do let stuff get bigger and more important though. When my heart starts to get tight and a bit cold, troubled, it’s usually because I haven’t spent much time with the friend who knows me best. Tonight is almost over and tomorrow is coming in a few hours. When I wake up and before my feet hit the floor I will invite Him to join me. God is like that. He doesn’t force His way into my day. He lets me come around to inviting Him.
The cloud I watched darken overhead last week has all but disappeared and although it is often on the horizon, I know it doesn’t need to block out the sun. Joy is a choice I need to make. God will do great things In my life and quite possibly in the lives of people I will sit across the table from. That’s pretty exciting.
One of my table experiences last week was with a cousin I have not spent much time with. Three hours came and went and we visited and chatted and there were even a few moments of glistening eyes. Her mom left this earth a year ago. She is missed. This mom was my mom’s sister and they shared the grandma name of Nano, just like their mother had. This cousin and I have a few things in common besides Nano. There is a strong family resemblance. We look different but we also look similar. She has a sister who lives far away just as I do. We will meet again and will share more. We are relatives, a great way to begin a friendship.
To the East and on the very edge of this country of ours, is another family I hardly know. Miles have kept us apart. We have missed gathering together and sharing life but we are family. One of them left this earth yesterday. She was not old but has lived life differently, confined to a wheelchair since she was a child, loved and cared for by her dear ones. She was blessed and full of praise. She knew that one day she would be whole and able to dance. That day has come and although her precious ones will miss her they look forward to dancing with her, later.
Yes, this week has been full. Of friends and tables and remembering and thanking and as I go to sleep now, worshipping. The clouds will hover but they will not cover the beauty of their creator.
I am my beloved’s and He is mine. His banner over me is love.